I'm doing this thing where I only eat sweet potatoes.
I tried that. I gained 30 pounds.
Loggins and Messina...
Little help!
Thanks!
Even though that took a long time, I was just peeing.
Now then, Pritikin, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
You might want to sit down.
Your twin brother, Eric, has been murdered.
Is he dead?
I'm afraid so.
Sir, I am so sorry.
But I have to leave early today. I have a dinner.
Did you like him?
He was my only twin.
What happened?
The treasure.
God damn it!
What is this treasure?
Is it something from before my time?
- Or...? - I'm as in the dark as you are.
Forget it. It's nothing.
It's just an ancient legend
that's haunted my family for years,
sending us around the globe, driving us into madness
in search of unimaginable riches.
It's not even worth discussing.
It is interesting.
I can sense it.
2,000 years ago, my great-great-grandfather,
Cassius Atkins, was counsel to Julius Caesar.
When Caesar's wife gave birth through a hole in her stomach...
There wasn't a name for this yet...
Cassius gave her a ride to the hospital,
and in exchange was given a great secret.
The location of an underground vault,
containing the accumulated wealth of the Roman Empire.
The treasure is a myth, Joe,
just like the joy of parenthood.
My father, and his father before him,
threw their lives away looking for it.
Oh, so that's it then?
You're just gonna let your brother's body rot
in some discount cemetery?
You don't even want to find out why?
The S.D.F.'s time is more than money.
It's lives, it's governments.
And I am not gonna waste their talents on this.
Fine. Forget it. I'll never mention it again.
Oh, I almost forgot to give you this.
We found it on your brother's body.
Loggins and Messina...
Never in my life did I think I'd be holding this in my hand.
Look. It's the next clue.
Eric, you did it!
All right. I'll give you time to think about this.
Couldn't sleep.
There's a rattlesnake in my tent.
What's it all mean?
Why are we here?
Well, no one predicted the plumbing problems in the van.
I've got this parasite sucking away my last good years,
and now I'm gonna run around the globe
searching for some phantom treasure.
What about having another child?
I like you, Scholls,
but I need a big ass.
And I mean a big ass.
I was talking about adopting.
I've tried and I've tried,
but no one's too keen on loaning a baby
to a 45-year-old man with a worm eating his insides out.
I should just throw this thing in the fire and be done with it.
Have you tried opening it?
Of course.
But maybe I should open it again just to be sure.
It's a dry-cleaning ticket.
"Ready by: August 4, 1802."
This the world's oldest dry-cleaning shop in America.
This is where Betsy Ross cleaned the first flag.
Where Benjamin Franklin had his kite mended.
And where Martha Washington took care
of George's infamous pit stains.
Hamilton's vest!
He never lived to see how many people
would take photos of themselves outside of the theater.
So much history.
What did you say the ticket number was?
11.
I can't believe it. It's Thomas Jefferson's coat.
That's the next clue!
Bonjour, Special Division Force!
Pierre Cardin!
Thank you for leading me on the next step
of what promises to be a very exciting treasure hunt.
Ah, ah, ah, ahhh.
Give me the coat.
No way.
Are you crazy? Just give it to him.
Au revoir, S.D.F. Au revoir.
Damn it!
It's okay, sir, we'll find him.
Forget it. It's over.
Cardin has the clue.
He has the wrong clue.
It's not 11. It's I-I, as in "Invisible Ink."
A.J., toss me a lemon.
That's a map of Italy. I know it.
Scholls, book us three coach tickets
and one first-class ticket.
We're heading to Rome.
Welcome to the Roman catacombs.
I don't like this.
It's $5 per text to message America.
Sir, let go of my hand.
I'm sorry.
The Romans would bury their dead in...
Bongiorno!
Bongiorno.
Welcome to the Catacombs.
Fire exits are on either end.
Please, no flash photography.
There's something over here.
I don't believe it. Caesar's tomb.
My grandfather spent his whole life searching for this,
and here it is, right here in Rome.
- Here, help me lift it up. - No! Please!
The head priest will have my...
virginity.
I thought he'd be hotter.
There's a key in his hand.
Don't touch, it's 2,000 years ol...
You dicks!
Do you realize what you've done?
You have just given me the next clue!
Pierre Cardin. Again.
I certainly hope you are better at following clues
than you are at seeing through disguises.
I could tell.
Give me the key
or I will blast you back to France.
- My pants! - My gun!
- My Little Pony! - My God!
This is madness! I'm losing my mind!
Why are we doing this?!
Forget it.
The treasure will tear us apart.
Let's just get the hell out of here and go home.
It isn't the key that matters.
It's the wood that it's made from.
Tell me why! I knew to know! I'm back in!
Quercus macrocarpa...
A species of oak tree that's native only to Montana.
Find that tree and you'll find your next clue.
Pack up, everybody.
We're heading to whatever state Montana is in.
I found something!
What is this?
It's a jumble of odd-shaped pieces
that can fit together to form a picture.
Some people call it a puzzle, but I can't figure out why.
Is this the way to the lookout?
Nice try, Pierre Cardin.
Oh, my God!
You shot me. Someone call 911!
Hey, there!
I need backup!
Send backup!
- Hi!
Sir. Sir, sir.
Merci beaucoup, Monsieur Atkins.
The treasure is so close, I can almost taste it.
Somebody shoot him!
Shoot him!
It's Cardin!
I'm pretty sure!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
I swore I wouldn't become obsessed.
And here I am, like every Atkins that came before me.
Broken and hopeless.
Mission's cancelled.
I'll see everybody here tomorrow at 10:00 A.M.
We're going undercover at a slaughterhouse,
so wear old clothes.
Wait.
Take a look at this map.
Name all the states where we've had mission.
Let's see...
Iowa...
Wyoming...
Texas...
Oklahoma, North Dakota...
Arkansas, Missouri...
What do all these places have in common?
Oh, my God.
Every state we've visited is part of the Louisiana Purchase.
Now, who knows what the Louisiana Purchase is?
The acquisition of land from France
by Thomas Jefferson in 1803
that nearly doubled the territory of the U.S.
Sorry I'm late. My dinner ran long.
Oh, my God.
The French are trying to take their land back.
That's why Cardin snuck into the country.
The Romans knew long ago that land was the only key
to power, as well as large armies.
The French realized too late.
The treasure is their former land.
And they want it back.
Damn it, if we only had that puzzle.
We don't need it.
Cardin got the puzzle, but I got the lid.
2,000 pieces? Now I'm glad we didn't get it.
That building look familiar?
The National Archives in Washington, D.C.
That's where America's most important documents are kept,
including the Louisiana Purchase.
If France gets the deed, they get the property.
Is that how land works?
Yes, that's exactly how it works.
Wow.
Cardin is gonna steal the deed to the Louisiana Purchase.
No, he's not.
We are.
The deed to the Louisiana Purchase
is stored in the National Archives in Washington, D.C.
It is kept under state- of-the-art security measures.
The vault is protected by a motion-sensing laser grid,
biometric denial systems,
and a 10-inch-thick steel-plated door
that can sustain a 50-megaton nuclear blast.
Fortunately for us, there's a luncheon today
celebrating the Twentieth Amendment,
the one that changes the start date of the president
from March 4th to January 20th.
So the guards will have their hands full.
And that's when we make our move.
But be aware the Pierre Cardin also has this information
and will stop at nothing to capture the deed before we do,
thus raising the tension.
Charo, what's your 20?
Passing through security.
Is it okay if I don't put my baby through?
Go ahead.
- I'm in. - I know.
Have fun.
Sir, I need eyes and ears.
Are you a girl?
Clear this channel.
This is a law-enforcement operation.
Do you wear a bra?
Yes. Now clear this channel.
Sir, what's going on?
Sorry, I got held up.
Something's going on with the shrimp today.
Cardin, what's your E.T.A?
5, 10 minutes tops.
Charo, we got to get past that biometric denial system.
Where are we on that thumbprint?
I'm on it.
May I take that from you?
Chief, where you at?
I'm almost there.
In position.
Charo, execute.
The pearl is in the river.
The Baptist is in the water.
Atkins just fingered me.
Let's move.
Damn it, Chief. I need to see what's going on.
You got to tie me into the security system.
I got a situation here.
It is all hands on deck.
Never mind, I got it.
Ahh.
Access denied?
Scholls, what the hell?
I don't understand. It should work.
Charo, are you sure you got the right thumb?
No, I got the left thumb. Isn't that the right thumb?
No, the right thumb is the right thumb.
Damn it.
He's at the door to the vault room.
You got to think of something.
I'm gonna blow it.
I'm in. Chief, kill the power.
In three, two, one...
Hey, sorry I'm late.
The back door of the vault was locked
and the locksmith took forever.
Let's get moving. Cardin's on top of us.
Here we go. Here we go.
The Declaration of Independence.
13 colonies embark on a daring experiment towards democracy.
John Nance Garner's unpublished memoir?
Wow.
In his first election, he ran against a woman
who would then become his wife.
This is astounding.
Oh, here it is.
Here it is. The Louisiana Purchase.
Wow. This was a bad deal.
Okay, let's get out of here before Cardin shows up.
It's over, Tribeca. C'est fini.
Everybody freeze.
For the first time in my life, sir, I'm glad to see you.
I'm glad to see you too, Tribeca.
Now arrest her, and her little son too.
What? What are you talking about?
Cardin's right there. Grab him.
Pierre is a French diplomat. He has diplomatic immunity.
You're wrong! He's French Intelligence.
And he's trying to steal the Louisiana Purchase.
Well, that's an interesting analysis
coming from someone holding the Louisiana Purchase.
After having illegally broken into the National Archives.
Mom?
It's a setup.
I knew you were a crook the minute you threw me in jail.
Are you insane? It's eight against two.
Make that eight against six.
Make that nine against five.
I still like our odds.
That goes double for me.
I'm afraid it's 12 against 2.
Sir? What the hell is going on?
It's over, Tribeca.
Put your weapon down and drop the Purchase.
It's 13 against one, sir. A.J.'s with us.
Right, honey?
Actually, I'm with her.
And her.
It doesn't matter.
Drop your weapons and give us the Purchase.
Gladly.
Nooooo!
Cardin is gone!